It has been 7 years and still, it is Day 1

Grief is lifelong, as a grieving mother

This blog post is about the emotional release needed for today, it is focused on more of my own healthy release at this time of my life, being 7 years, and some things that I have worked on.

I would like to say that after 7 years things have gotten easier, or more comfortable but it has not. I still have a reflection on who I had been and where I am today, on a daily basis. Most call this the before and the after. Life is still very much a rollercoaster of emotions on a daily basis, but with professional and new found friends and support systems over the past 7 years I am here today, still.

I long to be still who I had been, a mother of a beautiful child with so much ahead of him. As his life ended, so did mine in many ways. Was this selfish of me, since I do have other loved ones that I believe want me to be who I had been. In all honesty, it never crosses my mind. Grieving is always center. The closest explanation I have ever heard that can explain this form of grief is “misplaced love, longing”. It’s a processing of emotions, one can say is a daily rollercoaster before other basic functioning takes place and on many different levels. In most cases, the processing is an awareness of “the love and longing” that there is no place to put it. No matter how many different things we try.

An example, it is time for all kids to start school and I see everyone in the stores, buying school supplies, clothes and I want to go into the section that he would be getting the same, but I have to go thru that in my heart and soul that whole process as I notice others, and then get past it and then turn to what I was there to do. In that is pain, a fucking loopy loop of my mind, body, and soul. I am now exhausted in a way and I have to gain myself back to a place I had before, but aisle 10 has that favorite pokemon new teeshirt he would have loved. Took me years just to get back to going into the stores, so this stage is a better place than before, again we learn to have to live with the pain. Cronic, recurring triggers everywhere at any moment of the day or once can’t even put into words the waking of the nightmare to living it, to be asked to continue the day. That takes strength from a place not many have an understanding about, and a strength nothing can defeat in the remaining time in our lifetime. So when someone might bump into me in the store at that moment and they see me in a still motion of nothing on my face or a stare into what a new item is available on the shelf, that he might like. I am processing, regaining but we need to go through the full cycle, the only way out is through it each time I learned. This even after 7 years has not gone away. It is learning to live with it and be aware that sometimes we are not as strong as we had been on other days like this, and that is okay, too. That sudden panic to finding the place we can break down, our car, the bathroom, or just zone out. Is there something wrong with us, absolutely not, we are the strongest humans you will ever encounter, and the smartest to be able to survive? I sometimes take offense to those that throw their sympathy as if I am weak or in some form of trouble when in fact it is the opposite, I see a lot of others that are so stuck in themselves that they can’t see past themselves, and would not be able to handle even thinking of what we live with daily. As a reminder, I thank all that understand and know the strength it takes, and to those that feel they are better on some level, you have not a clue about life or strength, just being real.

Most do not see that this will be lifelong. So having new relationships has been a battle for me, since I tend to have to express that I am a grieving mother before any other description of myself. Yes, the new partner might take off running. I decided I have come to a point that if I will find a life alone after this all then that is okay too. Again, just telling it how it is, it’s call truth. No God is not saving you in these moments, be real, you are the hero standing in the aisle frozen looking at a teeshirt the way one sees mack truck headlights, the best way I can explain it. It is up to you to survive.

It is a process I have learned that I need to get through in every area of my life. In all steps, and on some days I just don’t have the strength to do it, so I will not be at an event, a great day just to hang out with friends or a party like a holiday. Yes, even after 7 years, and no it has not gotten lesser to living with.

This is not a manner of a widow or a close family member or friend that has gone before us. This is our child, our child. Yes, I will say it. It is a different level of grief, one that I would not even compare. Selfish some might think that it is the same, it is, not on any level.

I lost my father six months prior to losing my child. I loved my father as my best friend, he was my support system he was the love of my life. The grief comes in waves, and I loved him beyond life, but there is different grief not like the loss of my child. Over my life, I have lost many best friends, at different ages of my life. Some were murdered, some from illness, some from horrible accidents. Ironically, one of my best friends is laid out in the cemetery just a few steps away from my child. This is what I have in the relation to understanding, the levels of grief. His name was Salvatore Fabrizio, he was my childhood boyfriend for years, my first kiss, a friend who was my life long through so many things as we grew up, his many levels of friendship, he was close to me as a brother as more as we got older, and his mother like a mother to me, she watched me grow, Judy. I had spent some time with Judy years after Sal passed and still kept in touch with her, but the sorrow that I learned from her as I saw her grieving her own child, when I told her of my loss of my son, it was so hard for her to continue to even talk with me I felt her pain, and I knew her love for me she could not find the words to explain what I am going to face like I am now.

We go thru a process mothers, it is shedding, the best way I can name it, we remove those that are not of the same love and compassion, and views in life from our circles, we set boundaries and we do not have any room with all that we go through to having this around us. It is healthy to do and needed. No non-humans are in my life, and we do not complain about the little things and we become voices, and we stand stronger than ever in what we evolve to each day.

As an example. can’t tell you that I look even at my own mother as a selfish woman for not understanding what I am going through. We make new connections with those that are facing the same, and remove any that are not. I can’t help but too. I can’t really relate to a lot of those small things many complain about on a daily basis. I have seen the worst. I have no time for it or compassion as to their made-up controllable complaints. When you no longer have a choice, in life, then complain. Then those that create hardships or are just plain old attention seekers. I have no time for such. Just being honest.

She lost her grandchild and I still don’t see the same grieving, she, on the other hand, never was really a motherly human ever. No normal mother relationship. My aunts played such a role, in my life, and my father was the only real person who was a parent figure, she tormented our relationship our whole lives, disgraceful human in my eyes as an adult looking at it all. We never had a good relationship never will, I am a different human than her. Let me leave it at that.

I see others are going on that have lost their children and the ages of their child play a role as well, Joseph was 7 years old, and I was in the process of divorce at the time of his passing. It ripped me just to being away from him for a few days, and then during marriage separation. As parent alienation was a portion also. That is a destructive disorder that my ex has to live with, that caused that pain towards my children’s relationships. I don’t own that.. they do in what he brought to their lives. I see others doing this in their lifetimes and it breaks my heart, how a parent can determine a child’s relationship with others, selfish people they are. It is child abuse. During a bitter divorce, these non-humans I call them, play with this as a way to what they think harm or get support. The legal system allows it to breathe, it should be viewed as abuse and stopped, it is crime against the children.

So did that short period of time, over my full relationship with my child, change my grieving, not at all, being separated from your child does not lessen love, change anything, we still are very much the same as standing with our child in each second, so same with grief, a common in many ways. WE process it all differently. So in that portion of time, that this took place prior to my son passing during the time I had been cast away by court order of a short period of a delayed court case, it just started the grief earlier than need be, prior to my son passing 18 months of hell that had been placed on “my child” for no reason.

That is the part those that alienate children, don’t understand it is the pain put on their child. Not me, my love was the same and it should be noted to anyone out there that might be doing such parent alienation towards a loving parent, you are doing it not to them, you are doing such to the child. There is a place in hell for these non-human parents that do such. I am not that human.

Abusive people do this, it has been researched and there is a lot out there explaining it. I believe it started many years ago with giving limited access to children with their fathers. I believe over time this will change as well and I know people that have worked hard to getting parent alienation to becoming a crime against children, one day I pray that to be law.

My father was only “allowed” to see us on every other “Sunday” growing up. That is abuse. That is a resentment I will hold against my mother forever. Speaking as a child that longed for her father growing up and was limited, too. I tell her to her face, unapologetically because I have worked through that part, she owns it. Bless the professionals that I have worked with on this, that the truth is the healing, for the child that had to live it.

My ex knew this. I believe he used it as well since he knew how much work I had done and the years I stopped talking with my mother because of it. As I became a parent myself you look back and let me tell you how much I worked on never being like her in any way. Awareness and seeking help from professionals to making sure not to pass it on, to the next. But I realized it after I had married that same type of non-human since I became pregnant. The destructive part of my life I call those years. I regret it on many levels but we work on those parts, best we can. We work on our own self-awareness, and again it is lifelong. To leave it in the past and not affect my life, awareness of it was so very important.

Part of therapy always taught me to journal, when things like this are in need of a placement to get them out, and I just make mine public to help the next. So I have a lot of life experience in the words that I am expressing. A voice I will always be for those that feel this and can’t get it out of them. So today, I woke and decided to journal to express that it has been 7 years and it is still day 1.

It has been on my mind, and it needs to find its place here. I am not proofreading it, I am writing it from my heart. Excuss the grammar or errors. I am always an open book..a voice to help the next. My life experiences I will always share, not just to leave it somewhere here on my blog, but to help others that feel the same that they are not alone.

The scars are here forever.

Some songs I have been feeling.. at this time…

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