It has been 7 years and still, it is Day 1

Grief is lifelong, as a grieving mother

This blog post is about the emotional release needed for today, it is focused on more of my own healthy release at this time of my life, being 7 years, and some things that I have worked on.

I would like to say that after 7 years things have gotten easier, or more comfortable but it has not. I still have a reflection on who I had been and where I am today, on a daily basis. Most call this the before and the after. Life is still very much a rollercoaster of emotions on a daily basis, but with professional and new found friends and support systems over the past 7 years I am here today, still.

I long to be still who I had been, a mother of a beautiful child with so much ahead of him. As his life ended, so did mine in many ways. Was this selfish of me, since I do have other loved ones that I believe want me to be who I had been. In all honesty, it never crosses my mind. Grieving is always center. The closest explanation I have ever heard that can explain this form of grief is “misplaced love, longing”. It’s a processing of emotions, one can say is a daily rollercoaster before other basic functioning takes place and on many different levels. In most cases, the processing is an awareness of “the love and longing” that there is no place to put it. No matter how many different things we try.

An example, it is time for all kids to start school and I see everyone in the stores, buying school supplies, clothes and I want to go into the section that he would be getting the same, but I have to go thru that in my heart and soul that whole process as I notice others, and then get past it and then turn to what I was there to do. In that is pain, a fucking loopy loop of my mind, body, and soul. I am now exhausted in a way and I have to gain myself back to a place I had before, but aisle 10 has that favorite pokemon new teeshirt he would have loved. Took me years just to get back to going into the stores, so this stage is a better place than before, again we learn to have to live with the pain. Cronic, recurring triggers everywhere at any moment of the day or once can’t even put into words the waking of the nightmare to living it, to be asked to continue the day. That takes strength from a place not many have an understanding about, and a strength nothing can defeat in the remaining time in our lifetime. So when someone might bump into me in the store at that moment and they see me in a still motion of nothing on my face or a stare into what a new item is available on the shelf, that he might like. I am processing, regaining but we need to go through the full cycle, the only way out is through it each time I learned. This even after 7 years has not gone away. It is learning to live with it and be aware that sometimes we are not as strong as we had been on other days like this, and that is okay, too. That sudden panic to finding the place we can break down, our car, the bathroom, or just zone out. Is there something wrong with us, absolutely not, we are the strongest humans you will ever encounter, and the smartest to be able to survive? I sometimes take offense to those that throw their sympathy as if I am weak or in some form of trouble when in fact it is the opposite, I see a lot of others that are so stuck in themselves that they can’t see past themselves, and would not be able to handle even thinking of what we live with daily. As a reminder, I thank all that understand and know the strength it takes, and to those that feel they are better on some level, you have not a clue about life or strength, just being real.

Most do not see that this will be lifelong. So having new relationships has been a battle for me, since I tend to have to express that I am a grieving mother before any other description of myself. Yes, the new partner might take off running. I decided I have come to a point that if I will find a life alone after this all then that is okay too. Again, just telling it how it is, it’s call truth. No God is not saving you in these moments, be real, you are the hero standing in the aisle frozen looking at a teeshirt the way one sees mack truck headlights, the best way I can explain it. It is up to you to survive.

It is a process I have learned that I need to get through in every area of my life. In all steps, and on some days I just don’t have the strength to do it, so I will not be at an event, a great day just to hang out with friends or a party like a holiday. Yes, even after 7 years, and no it has not gotten lesser to living with.

This is not a manner of a widow or a close family member or friend that has gone before us. This is our child, our child. Yes, I will say it. It is a different level of grief, one that I would not even compare. Selfish some might think that it is the same, it is, not on any level.

I lost my father six months prior to losing my child. I loved my father as my best friend, he was my support system he was the love of my life. The grief comes in waves, and I loved him beyond life, but there is different grief not like the loss of my child. Over my life, I have lost many best friends, at different ages of my life. Some were murdered, some from illness, some from horrible accidents. Ironically, one of my best friends is laid out in the cemetery just a few steps away from my child. This is what I have in the relation to understanding, the levels of grief. His name was Salvatore Fabrizio, he was my childhood boyfriend for years, my first kiss, a friend who was my life long through so many things as we grew up, his many levels of friendship, he was close to me as a brother as more as we got older, and his mother like a mother to me, she watched me grow, Judy. I had spent some time with Judy years after Sal passed and still kept in touch with her, but the sorrow that I learned from her as I saw her grieving her own child, when I told her of my loss of my son, it was so hard for her to continue to even talk with me I felt her pain, and I knew her love for me she could not find the words to explain what I am going to face like I am now.

I do love all the family and friends who have come together to love my Joseph over the years, in their own ways. I do see some that might feel they need to be more outspoken that had been there personally in the place he came into contact with his allergen, I let them speak out because I know that is their way of calming their grief, but it will be life long for them, evermore. I know many over the years that I had been a broken record too about his Anaphylaxis. I “allow” them to be a voice because what they have to echo out their grief ( I am aware of this for them because I am a kind human) It is grief they will have to live with and it will be lifelong and evermore.

I had always told those who had been very aware of the events and not those who walked in the last few months before my son’s passing, why those people need to be loud or vocal, and why. More had been aware than I realized, without me even saying it, at all. So many played their own part, and in that as Joseph’s mother and his voice, I allow those that are grieving in their own way, to do so with their own acceptance because I know all grieve at different. Joseph was love, just like I am, always, we are kind. Those that are not so kind, well, I will just be the truth as always.

So today, I woke and decided to do some shedding, as to how I call it others call it journaling to express that it has been 7 years and it is still day 1.

Mommy loves you my Joe. BTW, Joseph was never called ” Jo Jo”… it never was.. stop saying that crap.. Joe or Joseph was how we called Joseph.

Your welcome…

Much love his mommy

I can still here him saying “Mommy, you so beautiful and holding my face with his beautiful heart and soul” see that was Joe… He took your breath away..

Some songs I have been feeling.. at this time…