“The heaven that you created for me, is unimaginable to others, my son” with love Mom.
I started Joseph DeNicola.com to be a place to share Joseph. As it has evolved, starting our first reaction was to provide Joseph’s story of what took place in those last moments for those in the food allergy community looking to understand more than empty news articles that had not much sense to details.
Then, daily I want to leave the memories, share my daily feelings ever so more since life was not a limitation growing up alone to be defined as food allergies. Joseph was such a beautiful soul, beyond his years and as his mother has taught me so much. I believe a journey is not captured in one story, but as we evolve and move forward daily, we can express so much more. So this is a memory of Joseph, and a page on how much he has changed this world for his mom, in so many blessed ways. I post from my heart and still know I am standing right behind my children no matter the difference of heaven to earth watching over them with the feelings that come to me, the directions, the mother’s instincts never go away.
Daily memories come to my mind as if yesterday. I have faced such thoughts, understandings, and realization, that not ever can I relate to another. Why, unless you have walked with us, I do not expect such. To even come close to understanding, unless you have lived such, why it is the hardest task to be asked: “Tell us about your son ”
It starts at the heart, rips out the soul, a feeling as if it is running away at first, then I hold onto my womb area not realizing sometimes. Most must think I am about to get sick, from what I must look like. As if clouds just rolled in and then rain in my mind. I have worked hard to push past this emotional state by giving it a new understanding. That once the rain comes to my mind, that it is a cleansing rain washing and purifying in that moment. The air comes back to my lungs, and then as I push deeper into thought past the loss, I finally can reach to the most beautiful memories. I renamed this emotional cycle when reached as my, ” never-ending rainbow”. Once passed, at the other end I see my son and at the beginning the love that designed all the colors. I might tell you to wait a moment, I have not gotten to the rainbow yet, as I am pushing through to get there each time. I feel by renaming these emotions to my own experiences have gotten me past them, ownership undefined by another’s darkened names associated with grief. Each of us has our own ways.
Many find it hard to hear from grieving parents. We do not mean harm or want to cause fear. We are much more than grieving parents, as we had been before. It seems to be a social algorithm, a cycle that comes with the new identity. We are left with this voice, that some demand in a way to have a better understanding how this can affect them, how they can avoid it and learn. Others just cannot even listen, since the thought is unfathomable. We are the arms that open to the next facing the same. We work together to pick each other up on days that are now, not called Monday or Friday, but good or bad. The cycle of grief is never-ending. It is to relearn how to live in a much different world. We hold to love and cherish all life. we are now called advocates, the strongest voice to stopping from happening again to another.
Spiritually, we are held by many in their arms and hearts. Such compassion comes from the darkest moments. We keep to gratitude to all that have walked in to find us in moments lifeless ourselves, to help. Be it a tweet on social media or a knock on the door or a letter in the mail, a card just at that right moment to get us up. So many miracle workers that are in this world.
Maybe to some, we are that screeching tire, right before the same mistakes could possibly happen.
Sometimes, it is us reaching out to hold another, telling them how an experience can still hold a light. They are never alone.
Overall, we are still very much the most loving, giving, and heartfelt people you will come across. Understanding has taken the deepest footprints in our lives. This world that had once been so different, has a new meaning in areas that might have been overlooked before. We will remind you that the smallest things are the greatest treasures. How each day that you might believe is such a struggle, is a blessing just as you need someone to lift your spirit.
It has been very hard to reopen my front door to take the first few steps in this new world without my son. It comes in waves, opening that door once again is so hard, each day. It is not something that you do just once and you are fine to doing again tomorrow, it is like a never-ending nightmare but you awaken to it, the first few moments you wake up in the next. But we get through such and tell others how we have done so to get them there that are just facing those mornings. As they have done for us as well. We are on a rollercoaster, sometimes we never get out of day 1 as we call it, and just cannot function. The basics of life close in hard onto us. In my illnesses, I am disabled not just by the grief, but other illnesses that with the help of doctors and others I have on each day attempted to just not give up. So even if it is a few sentences or just one letter, I journal. I just decide to do that openly, why not share it. I am blessed to be given a dear friend software that can help me to do so, speech to text helps me to do such on most days. My grammar is not great and it will never be, but when I have the energies or the help from another than it is edited. I try to just get it out.
Each day I take to journal the deepest feelings I face if I can depending on my physical functions for that day. Each day is a rollercoaster, some days I am lifeless numb it seems, I could be sitting in a chair from what I believe to being a few moments to what had been hours another tells me. I am working to get past, my illnesses and I feel better to be open and honest with them as well sharing what works for me. When I look back at the memories, the times we shared when I was a busy mom or a teenager with a dream of one day having a family.
I am not sure how I am left to being that one to have to be journaling about how life has changed, why it took place and how the world has not slowed down one second for others, as I sit some days timeless? I have to accept what is before me. I guess.
There are miracles that come with the deepest sorrows. There are beliefs that cannot even be understood until you experience them.
What is the purpose of what I have walked if I do not share, I think some days. Who might be listening, is not why I do so, it is not to focus on another and I do not mean that in a bad way. I just share, from what is in front of me, as I feel it and see it and share it.
I live each moment to cherishing life, loving and never to harming another. Many that know me for years can tell you such it is my nature.
I never share to harm the next, not ever to wanting to bring fear. When you express from the heart, it surfaces to each and everyone differently. So I do not hold back. Yes, I have been told to being very direct. I just feel if we spend time, taking away what might be viewed to others differently, it is removing truths, that circle in our own experiences. What took place in my son’s life does not mean it will in yours. What allergies he faced are not again the same as yours, what beautiful memories and sudden events are not yours. If that helps to express what I am attempting to express. Nothing is a certainty, and our steps are not the same as another’s. Our voice can echo endlessly about risks, what should have taken place that might have saved his life. There are always so many elements to each experience. Understand that is from my heart. It is letting it out, that the purpose of my daily journals.
So I do that daily and start to bringing them together to share with all whom might be interested. It is not to explain grief or push my experiences onto another. It is to express my deepest experiences, through my soul’s lessons as I have walked.
With love, it might touch the heart of matters others are facing. Awaken that feeling of, I am not alone in others. Others might just see it as a desperate act of attention, oh how that is not the message or the purpose of sharing our innermost feelings. Do not get me wrong when I say, I tend to get kind of uneasy when the feedback is of sympathy. See each of us, walks a different pathway, we like to hold a lot inside, but at times just want to create and share.
Sharing our own individuality. We reach out to the public not to change another’s direction, but if life leads us to a time when a message is most needed and it is in front of us, then that is why I do believe many do share. I have read stories of many, that have captivated me to just a few sentences out of a whole book which resonated. That whole book might of had its own meaning, but to me reading it had a completely different experience, just those few words.
So we all share our individuality, daily. We reach out to the public not to change direction, but to share.
Never for once did I ever believe I would be sitting in a house in Wisconsin at the age of 45 typing on a computer these words as I am today. The history how I got here, the experiences of joy in my life, the manner how being called mom was a blessing for many years, years that should not be forgotten, but shared. Even to leave a place that family can come to remember, I create openly. I still have a very hard time to socialize amongst others in person, in large public areas, I am still working on such since things very much trigger to my severe PTSD due to the years of domestic violence and other life traumas I had faced. I share such openly.
As you read a book, do you believe that the author has created the work with intentions of receiving sympathy or to create fear? Never. We all evolve by what happens around us, what little elements reside if any that we capture as we walk this lifetime. Treasures I see them, are the few lines in another’s lifetime, that has resonated to help me put a foot forward on days that I cannot even get out of bed, those days I call “the bad days”.
I feel like I should leave some footprints of what exactly I picture personally when I say “The heaven that you created for me, is unimaginable to others, my son”.
My deepest heartfelt gratitude to all that have walked with us, shared with us and guide me daily sometimes out of the bad days, so to you all I share a piece of me.
My love to you all
Joseph’s Mom Julianne.