Most cannot admit, that during the grief process, there are times that we look over and see kids and families enjoying the moment. The envy, I will not lie does come to mind. When I see someone taking time, that means so very much, to not helping to bring the safety of their child, it brings me to a boil. Sometimes, I feel as if I am being tested by someone above.
The manner of some, are very lax, it is beyond that I actually feel pain in my stomach watching. I have been seeing more closely maybe now that I am not hearing the calls of ” mommy ” anymore and when I hear another child say it, I still turn to envy. Sometimes I smile, aimlessly and always get a smile back from them. Children are pure souls… they are a gift. The tests that have come to mind had been many, seeing a younger girl no more than first grade, standing in the middle of an intersection, four-way traffic and not one person got out to help her, I jumped out of my car, her mother not even home when I walked her there. She was coming from school, she does it each day. These are the children that I believe sometimes have the strongest Angels around them. I have seen parents leaving a car running with a child left in the car walk into a store without care, and others just lighting up a cig and the children in the back seat. Screams when not required to children not acting up, to the children running a muck with out a parent to guide them since behavior has been out of control from day one. I do believe a lot of children have parents, but are parent-less that is my view, now a days. It just seems that I am placed in those exact time, just to see them. I look up and say why are you testing me.
I have seen children being so out of control these days.. but again I am still mourning. So as I am in the process of such I like to journal, to help the next to say.. no, you are not wrong for feeling this way.
I believe during the grief process, especially losing a child has weight on everything left around, that you personally had in mind to do with your child. Any new events that open that you know they would have loved, to the level of looking at a beautiful sun set and thinking, it is just not fair.
The process that I am in at this point of grief, I believe is envy towards others. Yes, that is hard to just admit, but I am an honest person, and I do believe if I am feeling this, others are as well. I am just more to being open, and sharing in hopes that it helps just one person, whom might fall upon this point of grief.
I have been in treatment for severe depression disorder and PTSD, beyond having lost my son to food allergies at the age of 7, there have been many events of trauma prior and still. What I am explaining is one of them. The grief is the starting point, but it takes many levels and effects sometimes to emerge other matters that had been in remission or within a level of control prior to the one event as we call trauma that has become the breaking point.
We now, have the feeling of why my child, why is my child not here to enjoy this event, as I watch a screaming child, ordering their parents, my face right now, just a blank wow…Where are the morals, why are they not being addressed to this issue they are talking. Some never will be taught the value to the gift of life, and time to cherish moments. Even to the point that you have a body, that you will miss one day. The feeling of all has left.
It heightens each event that we have to do each day, it is the level of being in the supermarket and not being able to breathe as you start to look at those products that would be something you would know they would love. So, I have broken down to the level of not shopping, for some time now. On the weekends, I do not go alone, just in case of a meltdown, but I go again, and I have started to pick up that product and take it home and make a dish as if it would be for him as well… Start to eat it and speak to him out loud as I am eating it. I as well have started to now at these events, that are moments that I would have loved to share with him and I believe he would have loved, I get that feeling that my legs are going to fail soon and sit down and say, if my son was here, he would like to see this or that. I have found myself saying out loud, please son see through my eyes.
I am not going to hold back what I am experiencing along the way. That is me. It is part of me, and always will. I am an open book and have lived my walk as I talk. Be it ugly or pure, it just flows outward. My intent is, to be honest, and helpful to sharing my inner most moments, for someone else to relate, and know if I found a way that might work to help them, so be it for them to find this experience I am sharing right now.
What I do know is odd to most, but I see each element of life as a precious experience. Like looking at the sky and thinking, what if there is no afterlife, and what we are experiencing in this one life is all we have. I think sometimes , everyone wants to hope that there is a heaven or some place that we can finally be at peace, but part of me thinks that there is a good possibility there is not, the dreamy painted light and gold as we all attempt to believe. That what we do today, will be fine since we will be in a better place one day. I see that as a problem now, sometimes. I am not one hundred percent that is a correct thinking, but a wish. I have my signs that I assume to comfort , but at the end of the sign, the pain is still there that he is not here to experience that same beautiful moment of looking at the sky.
So my faith, I dream like most that we are divine, and there is a place after we finish our adventures here, but who would I be kidding, if I fully believed that until it actually is my reality. I have seen many signs and share holy experiences that have common magickal properties, and are on a personal level in my reality. We all do, but a lot of what if’s
A lot of us hold as parents that worry, it will never go away. It is great to hope, but on bad days that just is not enough for me. There are triggers that set off my emotions to uncontrollable and cannot be stopped, so I have seek medical help since I am, as I said prior a truthful person, no matter how ugly, if not for the option to get help, then I would not be here, with a friend typing this with me, and the state I was in a few months ago, where the thought process had been completely obsolete.
I very much believe that there are energies, and times that a loved one does visit, so there must be a real place after we escape the earthly world we are blessed to experience until that time.
So how to cope with the bad days. I take it in and say, son as I am looking at this beautiful sky, use my eyes and see with me. If I see a child that would be a reminder of my son, I do have a breakdown, but I have been kind to find the nearest safe place to do such, either a bathroom if it is at a public location like doctors waiting room.
I am more in-tuned to hearing other parents talk with their children now as if I am part of that conversation I guess. Sometimes I wish I could reverse the remarks that come out of some children as well parents since many that I am crossing paths, seem to be overwhelmed or stressed to stop and take the time to grow what is around them. They normally say I am too busy with the kids. That is so very puzzling to me. If you are spending time with the kids, then you are to be sharing these great moments, with them. Then I have that feeling, that I was a parent that did that. Did stop to look up and tell my kids, look at how beautiful it was on days that it had been. It is not the time being with them it is the quality.
So I also hear parents that have children that are just out of control, they do not listen and have signs of repressive behavior. When you attempt to discuss possible ways of the counselling, they are the way to scared since it is what they believe to way pass the point for help, they would be better off just not at all do so.
I say, parent. Honor the moments with quality. If the child is missing out on something stop and still do it. When they ask why and are screaming for you since that is their way to getting your attention then just still do what that moment feels to do and take in what you want your children to be sharing as well.
So it is not just the matter of grief of my son not being able to see and cherish the new sunrises, or the new video game. It is a problem for some parents that have children that are not able to have closer relationships based on cherishing the beauty around.
What if you know at this time of your life, and today you are only going to be able to see what is around you just one more time. That the next day, you might be somewhere between, that you can not see but remember the memories that we experienced when we are alive. So then it should be, that now.
Stop and be an example, and when you don’t have time, remember it is not the amount of time but the quality. It is not that your child has not been next to you to share the moment because they are no longer with us, we are not alone. The children that are not with a parent and live in the same household is very much a higher number than ever before. Electronics, txt messaging, even to the person that is sitting at the same table with them. Faces are more downward than upward.
Just understand this, there are others that have lost loved ones. You have a gift to set an example, and still moments that you can create those memories that we might only have left within our soul. So would you rather show by experience that you love to see the sunset or sun rise and take the kids somewhere you can see it each day, even if they have no interest and they are out of control? Please stick to being that example, because when they notice it is wise to take those moments, by your example. Everything else is on hold. Keep to it regardless of what they are doing or saying, you are there for a reason, to tell them to cherish each day. There is time, it is the only thing you cannot create again.
So, the envy is still in parents during the grief stage, and we might be a little touchy when you are around us, that have children or things just like explained a new product in the store that your child would love. We need to understand that we will never know for sure what they are doing or seeing or experiencing, but by the chance that they can use what we have left , we can say out loud to them, just the same as your children running around a part while you are watching the sun rise or set. Say… I CHERISH THE GIFT THAT WE HAD ANOTHER DAY AND THE BEAUTY OF THE SKY YOU CAN SEE OUT OF MY EYES.
I hope that is a quick understand as to where I am today, my severe depression has kept me up, even with my meds to get a good night sleep but just some nights you cannot sleep regardless. The matter of getting what you hold inside out, like writing this all , is a release, because I am releasing what I have experienced, and I can say I can look back on my journey during this beautiful gift of day and night, in my future and see that on this day, I was in the process of grief, seeing thru to ways to get past the moments of triggers that can set off what most do not like to express.
I can say we are envious so please be kind if we do not come to a party, that might set our treatment and we are back to day one again. We are working on getting thru day to day to work on the manner of reliving and attempting to get out of this part, and hoping the next is a quicker experience to get thru, because it has taken me since Nov 2014 to get out and look at the sky and not be in tears and not wanting to stay since my son is not with me and I feel it is just not fair that he cannot see and experience. I now say Angels My Joseph use my eyes to see what I see. I bet you can. We are a bond of connections and I do believe we can help our loved ones, by doing this. Allowing them to still experience and talk with them out loud as if they are with you and using your body to allowing them to still experience life thru your love.
Take the time and cherish it with your children, it means a lot overall. That you are sharing the experience with them, and somewhere in their memory when they have children they will see the method, which you used to see those beautiful moments regardless, just take the time to just live since we only have one life.
I as well believe my son, is seeing and sharing moments each day with me. I just tell him to use my eyes, my eating of something he would want, and the toys that I think he would like, if it makes you feel good to do it. buy it and create a memory or love chest at home with all your memories, and make sure to keep those memories to seeing them each day, it will remind you of some signs that you might have received in those days. It will also give you the relief that we are not all grieving the same way, find what works for keeping from isolation away from others due to envy, choose to continue to enjoy your child, that is now an Angel…
So, today I looked up and said thank you for the wisdom. I have a new way of having a way to still enjoy those times with him. I guess it is not a test, but a good lesson of learning for when we join the team of Angels one day.
Julianne DeNicola
A mother of an Angel
Joseph DeNicola
let’s go to bed Joe, it is time to sleep… and I would love to dream about you again as I do whenever I tell you out loud. The mind is a beautiful organ if it is within the soul, not sure where the pain will take me to my next level, what ever that might be.
In Loving Memory of Joseph DeNicola 