Today a dear friend lost her child and had phoned me. A friend that came into my life during the time of my loss of my son. She took the time to call me today, after her loss, this deeply touched me.
As the years of my journey, she expressed in so many words, that I came to her mind saying that she thought she might have understood, but not to her moments as she screamed in horror and sorrow, the pain and the unknowns dripping in, she in so many words expressed she now knew she did not, until now.
I heard in her voice, as I just sat to listen, being in between a place I remember, but felt deeply for her, as she asked questions, but I know she wanted to know so much more…
I wish I could have run to her, but during these times of pandemic, I could only offer what I am sitting with right now to attempting to express.
She felt she understood why she had been part of the deep feeling in her heart and love for my son. As she walked with me through so many cycles as I posted openly, as much as I can in truth, over the years.
She said in the beginning, to be honest, she did not think I was going to make it. I wanted to tell her, a lot more than I will post here, on how right she was in that. I expressed, I did have a few inpatient hospitals and a lot of outside help for some time. Then I just remained silent and listening. She expressed, then the years of me outside of myself, and her deepest truths, of the cycles she saw, which I felt with gratitude of someone who did not know me a day before my sons passing knew more than others I had lived with and in my life for years. She continued to ask how many years, I counted them with her, and then how proud she was to see how far I have come until today rebuilding regaining and reclaiming life in steps beyond she could understand where the strength came from. I just expressed, I am still healing and some things that have helped in the more recent years.
I sat with her, as like crystal waves filled my heart and soul with each sentence, an echo of the days that she might hold ahead.
She is a wonderful woman that helped me in my own over the 7 years, since his passing and a very close woman to my heart. She asked in ways to understanding as I had during the beginning, all I could do was sit in these moments with her, and each cycle as it comes.
Tonight I felt like blogging, since it has been some time, and I have not felt as I cried for some time, so much of the past few years I should have told her, but just felt it was not for me, too.
I am a believer that at the right time, things come to us, so I am going to create this since it was weighing heavy on my heart. For others that might feel the same that might be out there. So I am just going to create this for her or others to find in their time when the heavens might believe it is needed. That is what I feel it represents, it is not much other than my experiences, from my heart. To you I write :
You hold onto faith. It brought you here to read this. We tend to question, a lot during grief, but I have come to finding blessings and this I hope to one, it might echo the same.
In any area of your faith, to each their own, but I will refer to calling that deepest faith of a higher source, angels, whom you might feel within, even, our child might have brought us together. That the message I received today from as I learned. Our children do work in angelic ways now. I do see and know. and I love your child. I love you beyond words. Even if I do not know you, I do want you to know that. You are not alone, I sit with you.
As you asked me if I ever slept in the beginning, I wanted to say, I still do not now, but I just said I use a little melatonin to help me. Since I know the cycles of doctors, meds, and then just meditation, yoga and other sources beyond I have used in healing over the many years. I am still healing in so many ways. Yes, so many, we reach out to everything as it is placed in front of us. To helping, no healing. I know so many other questions as to my current living, I heard in the voice but had not been asked. I could not express a lot that might be ahead, but I hold gratitude for your love. I felt it was just a time to listen, openly with my heart on the call today, and tonight I feel to give a little more.
I give this in full to you, and when the time comes I am creating this post from my heart as I know there were so many questions you might want to have asked, me as a grieving mother of a 7-year-old child, as I felt in your voice on that call, please ask them all.. message me, I am always here, healing too.
I only can express what I have over the years to my faith, you onto your own, my dear friend. So this a few that might touch upon … in full it is the only way I can hold you close in my heart… for you are not alone. I am here…
I never know the right words because there are none, but over the years I have gone thru cycles and in those cycles, I sit still. There is a before and afterlife when our child carries on before us.
It feels like different lifetimes, in one life. Days become and sometimes moments, we no longer name as of Monday or Friday but good and bad. Eventually, we start to call them Monday and Friday again, but defining our own grief is important.
You are love… you are of the deepest faith. Faith carried me.. and I know that God holds you for you are beyond love my friend.
We have to relearn to live, in every aspect of life.
We fall and rise, and learn to allow the process to be for God and the angels are with us, evermore my friend. Heaven has become closer, much closer than anyone can ever experience, this is truth.
I am always with you, and the door is open, and at any time of the day or night by phone please call. When you are ready. I will not post names but know I have asked many to say a prayer, for you.
As it is a blessing I wish for you during this time. I always have a hard time explaining when I find myself to hold another, I just want to say I sit with you, in silence in moments that not another will understand. I can only express from my heart and hope that this gives some light for when you are ready, it is not all of it but some, and you will add with your faith and knowing that your son is always, always with you. I love you, I love you and I love your child. Some things I have experienced… but there is so much more…
Accept other’s help. Always, to what you feel is comfortable.
There is no right or wrong. No time, no place. It is what you need in each moment.
In truth I am sorry but it does not get easier. We relearn to live because our child would want that. Relive with what he would want his mama to experience.
When the time is right, it might take years to not feel guilty to feel joy again, took me years to dance again.. this was me, that is not you. I am just speaking from my heart…
It is a nightmare you wake from that continues as you are awake, just find the blessings in all of life, in each step. Eventually, the blessings become more than the pain, since we see this world no longer as before but touched by heaven now, in every area you look. A new flower, a sunset, a sunrise. Each moment will be a blessing that you create to hold new memories with your beautiful son.
Keep your heart open every day… and sometimes they just appear on their own.. in heavens grace.. those moments of grace, you will understand this evermore.
One must be prepared to face new people who do not know why you might not be emotionally the same as others and see life differently, it is ok to not respond, or have to explain.
When those that had been part of your circle you would expect to understand the most, they will not and that is not on you, it is on them.
Expect to hear more compassion from others, but know that we need to limit this to the agency we want in getting into true friendships moving forward. We are not seeking sympathy, we are fine our child is not.
Some might believe that you are no longer the same, you are not. It is not a bad thing, it is a process they might not understand, but sometimes strangers do. New friendships arrive, accept them.
Set boundaries, those who are not aware of why this is healthy to respect your ability to balance do not have to understand, nor is it your place to explain. Respect, these boundaries to change daily, as some days we might lift them to test our ability to see how much we have evolved, sometimes we set them higher. A process is of your own to having and setting. There is no reason to have to explain if others do not understand it is not your place to have to teach them.
A safe place sometimes is amongst strangers.
Seek those that have an understanding, that you can just sit with. Different stages come in and out and they’re seeking the same place you might be. If it is not available, create it. A social media page, or group.
Define your own grief. This is a survival guide. You redefine it all because everyone grieves differently. A butterfly, a rainbow, a holiday or a time of day, you hold a meaning too…
Journal, when it feels there are no other avenues to say what might fall out in those darker moments. Accept it as part of healing and no it is not a bad subject in your life, acceptance of all as it arrives.
Celebrate your child. In the grief, you are not losing your child, you are finding new ways to honor their lives ahead. Celebrate with each new step forward, including them, that never stops.
We are stronger than anyone can even understand. Our faith stronger, our wisdom strengthened and our love for others and compassion three folds…
As you heal, you will become a healer… my dear friend. Your love will be stronger, so much stronger. Many might believe we are always sad and are without, but the truth my friend is, we actually have a lot more joys then before because we see heaven in cherishing life, all life that much deeper, and we love that much stronger. The laughter becomes deeper and holds a lot more meaning and joy over time. It is okay when others misunderstand that part.
I am always with you… my dear friend.. I love you and your child..
Your words touched my soul today because as in your grief spoke of the faith, of an understanding I share not many could understand but us. The meaning of our deepest connection. I love you beyond words to express this, for we only experience what heaven wanted us to have in each other’s lives… I can only express it a connection that heaven made.
I promise to be here for you, and this my friend you still help me to push for tomorrow, for a candle is lite by the hand of love.. I sit with you. Even in your grief, you will hold me up, because I know I am standing strong to do the same for you…
We are blessed… and at some point, you will see this in time. God gave us this because he loves us, knows how strong we are, and knows the place we have in this world, to brighten it for those that overlook the grace we have slowed down to notice To learn of heaven as we are still walking on earth. I love you
During a time of great pain, I painted this because I could not find a picture of Mother Mary in the way I see her, for she walks as we do. In my grief, I learned to create where I never had time before, because I understand now evermore… why…
My deepest love to you…
A mother of an Angel